a little blue

I know it's been a long time since I legitimately posted anything. And for the three of you who read my blog, I especially apologize. Truth is, nothing is happening. There's a whole lot of nothing to report. We are waiting for a phone call. THE phone call. And the more baby showers I attend and the more "welcome to the world, little one" emails I get, the more this pain starts to grow in the pit of my stomach that makes me wonder if I'll EVER get to be a mommy.

I woke up this morning with a huge chip on my shoulder. A big old "wtf, universe?" attitude that took me straight in to rush-hour traffic and a guy who cut me off in the coffee line. What changed, you might ask? Absolutely nothing. There was talk of a girl in Iowa who was 21 and possibly interested in possibly placing her baby for adoption, but it turns out she already picked a family and it wasn't even like we had any sort of (out loud) hope that she might somehow pick us, but still. I was sad. Yesterday I wasn't sad. Today I am sad. Yesterday, I was hopeful. Today, I am depressed. Yesterday, I said things like, "we have no doubt that there's a baby out there for us" and "all we have to do is wait" but today, I am so sick of waiting and being patient and watching everyone around me celebrate while I tile my kitchen and pretend there's not an empty crib upstairs.

It's been a long time since I hopped on the "poor me" train and I know how annoying it is. Even I'm sick of listening to me. I just thought that pursuing adoption would land me permanently in a happy place where I could look back and feel sorry for that girl who felt so sorry for herself. I hated that girl. I thought my days of bitterness and frustration were over. I even remember the wave of calm that washed over me 4 months ago - the day we signed our contract with the adoption agency - like, "it's in their hands now. I can just relax and enjoy what's coming" but nothing has happened. For 4 months. Nothing. Not even a little hint of a something. not. one. thing. And now the bitterness is creeping back. I'm having those urges again to shout at every woman who has ever given birth and say, "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE? Do you have any idea how precious your babies are? Please promise me that you will hug your babies every night and tell them how wanted and loved and special they are" because I seriously can't handle it right now.

I know it will happen.

I know there is a baby out there for us.

I know I have to be patient.

I know it will be special when it DOES happen.

I know all of this.

But today I am sad.