take a deep breath and count to 85

Kelly and Sophie made it to town on Monday night. We didn't know that until Tuesday afternoon (which lead to a full-on panic attack wherein my work neighbor offered me a "little blue pill" to calm my nerves..."is she here? is she NOT here? is everything okay? why hasn't anyone called? what is going on? what am I paying this lawyer for if not to return phonecalls?  what if she missed the plane again? what if she slept in the airport all night?  what if she changed her mind and she's not coming? is the baby okay? when will she get to see the doctor? what if she's stressed and now the baby is stressed?"  it went on like this ALL MORNING until I finally called Ryan and said something along the lines of, "OH MY GOD PLEASE CALL THAT LAWYER RIGHT NOW AND TELL HIM I CAN'T STAND THIS WAITING AROUND NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY BABY!!!!!!!"

Ryan calmly assured me that everything was probably fine and he would call me back after he talked to someone. Which he did. And it was. Allan didn't call us back last night because 1. another birthmom went in to labor on Monday night, requiring 100% of Allan and Peggy's attention, 2. Allan and Peggy didn't get my message until Tuesday morning, 3. Allan was delivering paperwork to the courthouse on Tuesday morning and Peggy was going to let him return the calls when he returned to the office.

Everything was fine (and by "fine" I mean that nothing went exactly as planned but everyone is going to keep telling me it's "fine" to avoid a 3-month addiction to those "little blue pills" that make it possible for me to breathe normally.) Kelly and Sophie missed their flight by 5 minutes. Their baggage made it but they did not. They sat in the airport all day. Their 3:00 flight was delayed for 2 hours. They got in to KC around 6:30pm (13 hours after they hopped out of bed and headed to the airport - bless their hearts). By the time they got their baggage and got out of the airport, it was about 7:30. Kelly needed to make a rest-stop on the way to Topeka, so they stopped the car somewhere along I-70. On her way back to the car, Kelly saw her daughter sitting in the backseat of a car with two total strangers and she had a total melt-down (questioning whether she had made the right decision, uprooting their lives and moving to Topeka). Upon hearing this news, I had a total melt-down. I felt incredibly guilty and responsible. When Kelly and Sophie got to the new apartment, it was the only unit available, meaning it was the smaller, not as awesome unit next to a very noisy family which prevented them from getting a good night's sleep (again...more guilt) but we've been assured that they will move to the larger unit as soon as this other birthmom (the one who just delivered her baby) moves out. In 3-4 weeks.  Ryan also managed to get a phone number for Kelly so we could call her after work. THANK GOD!

All I wanted to do all day was drive to Topeka, find Kelly and give her a big hug.  I knew she was terrified of flying. I knew it was a big deal that she was moving to Topeka. I knew she had just entertained an active 3-year old in an airport for 8 hours. Flying sucks even when your plane is on time, so I can't imagine what waiting around on stand-by, combined with pregnancy hormones and a lack of sleep did to that poor girl. My little blue pill got me through the day. I'm not sure how she got through hers.

Ryan and I sat down and called the number we'd been given. It was the number to the apartment complex, but we followed the instructions to get to her voicemail. I left a message telling her to call us if she needs ANYTHING and I gave her our home phone number. I'm sure I rambled something about how glad we are to have her here and we can't wait to meet her and how I want to just give her a big hug. I have no idea if she got the message (I'm hoping somebody explained how she's supposed to pick up voicemail) but we still haven't heard anything. I called the lawyer tonight too - Ryan mentioned something about how Allan was going to pencil in dinner for Thursday night since Monday didn't happen, but we still don't know.  We never heard back from anyone. We're just going to get up tomorrow morning and assume we're finally going to meet the woman capable of making our dreams come true.

Meanwhile, I think it is safe to say that I am 100% bonded to the baby that just flew from Georgia to Kansas City. I already feel like that's my baby. I already feel like I want to protect him (or her) and I want more than anything to know that he (or she) is okay. I want to do whatever I can to get Kelly on Medicaid so she can get in to see a doctor and have an updated sonogram. I want to see the ultrasound of my little Georgia peach. I want to see all 10 fingers and all 10 toes and some sort of sex organ that tells me pink or blue. Waiting around to know if my baby was on the ground, sitting in an airport, or back in Georgia - I compared myself to a mama bear, ferociously trying to protect her cub. I was a mess. I have to trust a woman I've never met to do everything I would do if I were carrying that baby myself. Then I have to trust that she's going to place that baby in my arms on October 15th. Have I mentioned the little blue pills yet?

We figured out that Kelly is about 27 weeks along. I am going to follow along in my "pregnancy day-by-day" journal and pretend that I have something to do with the development of my magnificent child, or at least be able to answer the question "how far along is she?" when people ask. And throughout my day, while I am designing cards, I will be able to think about how, right now - as I sit here eating a tuna sandwich, my baby is growing eyelashes.